


the price i'd pay for brighter days

by almostprimary



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Canon Era, Drug Use, Imaginary Friends, M/M, Mental Instability, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 19:54:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15126725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/almostprimary/pseuds/almostprimary
Summary: Shouyou has at least one hundred freckles. Tobio’s favourite is the one on his top lip, on the left side below his cupid’s bow.





	the price i'd pay for brighter days

**Author's Note:**

> title from [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Js_72MxHFkY) song.

4

“Hey mom,” Tobio says. He smiles. “I had fun at the zoo today.”

His mom frowns in return. “Tobio, we didn’t go to the zoo today.”

The smile falls right off of his face. “Yes, we did.”

Tobio remembers three zebras and a panda. He remembers a lion that scared him because the lady in the big hat told him that it eats little boys. 

When he tells this to his mom, she drops her teacup, letting it shatter to many pieces on the hardwood floor. 

5

“Make sure to drink all your milk, Tobio.”

Tobio nods and grabs for the plastic cup  eagerly . He gulps it down  quickly , hoping for some sugary relief to go with the bitter drink. 

Of course, it comes as expected. His mom hands him a small cookie with a pat on the head and a smile. 

Smiles always come with a gross cup of milk or shaking hands, Tobio realizes. He decides that he doesn’t like either. 

9

He meets Shouyou at the park. It’s sunny and hot and Tobio thinks that Shouyou’s hair kind of matches the orange swings on the playground. 

“Do you play volleyball?” Shouyou asks. Shouyou is smiling too, he has been since Tobio approached him. Shouyou has a freckle on his lip, on the left side below his cupid’s bow. 

Tobio glances around  quickly . He doesn’t see his mother’s shaking hands and he doesn’t see any gross milk. But  just to be safe, he doesn’t smile back.

“No, but there’s a club at my school,” Tobio replies. He watches Shouyou’s bird-eyes light up. 

“Shouyou has a freckle on his lip,” Tobio tells his mom. 

“You didn’t go to the park today, honey,” she says. Her voice is gentle. 

“You’re lying.”

His mom sighs. “Tobio, please.”

“I want to join the volleyball club,” Tobio decides to say. He doesn’t say ‘volleyball is Shouyou’s favourite sport’ because it makes his mom frustrated. 

When his mom  is frustrated she smiles and her hands start to shake and it reminds Tobio of the milk. 

Tobio just really hates milk. 

10

“My mom says that I have hallucinations,” Tobio says. “I have to take medication to help.”

“I don’t know what that means,” Shouyou replies. He smiles and Tobio can see his favourite freckle. 

Shouyou has at least one hundred freckles, but Tobio’s favourite is the one on his top lip. 

“Do you want to come over? I got a new volleyball but my mom says I can only play with it in my backyard.”

Shouyou agrees. 

“You’re going to have to hide from my parents, though,” Tobio shrugs. “My mom doesn’t like you.”

Shouyou agrees to that, too. “I don’t like meeting new people,” he says. “It makes my hands shaky.”

11

Tobio runs away from the school at recess. He goes to the one place he can think of, the park where he usually finds Shouyou. Tobio sits on the swings and kicks his sneakers in the gravel, turning them dusty and white. 

“Tobio?” someone asks. 

He looks up and sees a head of orange wayward hair. 

“Why are you crying?” Shouyou asks. 

Tobio shrugs  nonchalantly . He wipes his tears with one hand and grips the swing with his other. 

“Do you wanna see my secret hiding spot?” Shouyou asks. It’s his third time asking a question. Shouyou must be very curious today, Tobio thinks. 

The raven boy allows himself to  be taken by the hand and lead into the small forest beside the park. They reach a small clearing. There are a pond and trees. It’s very nice, Tobio thinks. 

“They called me crazy,” Tobio finally decides to say. 

“What?”

“The kids at school. They avoid me because of it. So, I ran away from school. That’s why I was crying.”

“Oh,” Shouyou says, after a minute of silence. 

Tobio feels little arms wrap around his shoulders and warm lips on his cheek. It was the most genuine thing Tobio can remember feeling up to that moment.  Maybe he isn’t crazy, after all.

"I hate drinking milk from a cup," Tobio says. 

12

“Why did you miss practice yesterday, Tobio-chan?” Oikawa-san asks. He smiles  politely . 

Tobio shrugs. “I wasn’t at school. I have psychiatric problems.” The sentence was well practiced, almost robotic. (Unlike his volleyball due to all the school he had been missing lately.)

Some second-years snicker from across the gym. Oikawa-san stops smiling very  quickly . He walks towards them  gracefully , but everything Oikawa-san does is graceful. He returns with the second-years in tow, who are bowing their heads  apologetically .

Tobio doesn’t quite understand why. 

“Tell me if anyone ever says anything to you, okay?” Oikawa-san says. 

Tobio nods, a warm feeling blooming in his chest. 

“Teach me how to serve,” Tobio says a week later, gripping a volleyball in his hands and smiling at Oikawa-san. 

13

“My mom is coming up the stairs,” Tobio warns his friend. 

Shouyou  quickly ducks into the closet, sliding the door shut behind him. 

Tobio’s mom knocks on the door a few seconds later before opening it a little bit and sticking her head in. 

“Who are you talking to?” she asks.

“I’m talking to Shouyou,” he replies. Tobio realized that there wasn’t a point in lying anymore. His mom gave him the same answer every time, anyway. 

“Shouyou isn’t real, Tobio,” she sighs. 

Tobio shrugs and looks at the floor. 

“We’re leaving in twenty minutes, will you be ready?” she asks.

“I hate talking to the doctor.”

“ Maybe you should tell her about Shouyou,” his mom suggests. 

Tobio perks up, eyes wide. He smiles a little bit, ecstatic at the idea. 

“Yeah, I’ll be ready.”

14

Kitagawa Daiichi loses the first set of a volleyball game. 

Tobio thinks that if Shouyou were on his team, they could have scored lots more points. Shouyou can spike all his sets, after all. 

So, he tosses faster. He yells and instructs his teammates to jump higher, swing with more power, dive for the receive. 

“Give it a rest,” Kunimi says after they lose the second set. “No one can spike your crazy tosses.

“Shouyou can spike them,” Tobio replies, because it’s true. 

Kunimi snorts, which surprises Tobio. “Shouyou is _fake_ , Kageyama. He’s _imaginary_. Get it through your head.”

Tobio’s hand is curling into a fist before he can think about his actions. 

Apparently , Shiratorizawa doesn’t want to scout someone who gets kicked off of their team for punching a teammate . 

15

His teammates at Karasuno are nice, Tobio decides. Even Tsukishima, who is the biggest bastard he’s ever met. Tsukishima calls him ‘King’ and picks fights with other teams. But Tsukishima is a bastard, not a bigot. 

Tobio thinks that they might even respect him; it makes him feel warm. Warm when Sugawara-san compliments his toss. Warm when Tanaka slaps him on the back for hitting a good straight. 

“What school do you go to?” Tobio asks Shouyou one day. 

Shouyou smiles and shrugs, attempting to spin a volleyball on his finger. “I don’t go to school,” he says. “But don’t worry, I have more fun talking with you.”

“We talk almost every day,” Tobio says, and he finds himself smiling. Not quite a blinding pearly-white grin, but a quirk at the corner of his lips, a faint blush on his cheekbones. 

“How’re you feeling today, Tobio?” Shouyou asks.

Tobio snorts. “You sound like the doctor.”

Shouyou laughs, but still repeats himself. “I know, but I wanna know. How are you?”

“I’m fine,” Tobio says. He adds, “And you’re a dumbass.”

“Hey!” Shouyou squawks  defensively . The volleyball slips off of his finger, hitting his nose instead. Shouyou scrunches up his nose and rubs it, muttering something under his breath.

Tobio places a hand over his mouth and chuckles. “ Honestly ,” he says. “I like Karasuno, I’m doing fine.” 

This wasn’t a lie, either. Tobio doesn’t tell lies. 

“Good,” Shouyou replies. “That makes me happy.”

Tobio wonders if Shouyou ever lies. He wonders why Shouyou doesn’t go to school. There’s a lot of things Tobio wonders about Shouyou, some of which he won’t admit to. (He wonders what it would feel like to kiss his favourite freckle on Shouyou’s lip. He’s also wondered if Shouyou is even human. Sometimes he gets this god-like demeanour when he’s  really passionate about something.) 

Instead, Tobio kisses the tip of Shouyou’s nose. It’s a middle ground, a compromise between his curiosity and ambition. 

Karasuno loses. They’re a strong team, but not strong enough. Tobio  is crushed . Oikawa-san stands on the other side of the net, looking down on him. Something flashes in the older setter’s eyes,  maybe pity or empathy. Tobio doesn’t know, he was never  really good with reading emotions. 

Tobio feels cold, he feels lost and lonely. And sad. His knees have crumpled and he’s still on the gymnasium floor, crying. He opens his mouth and says something, he’s not  really sure what it is.  It might have been something about Shouyou or bitter milk because now Oikawa-san and Iwaizumi-san are exchanging a look . They’re walking towards Tobio and helping him on his feet and guiding him to the bench and Tobio is still crying. 

“He’s having a panic attack,” Oikawa says. 

Tobio is _cold_ and _sad_ and he wants to see _Shouyou_. 

Sugawara-san and Daichi-san are exchanging words with Iwaizumi-san. Oikawa-san has a few of his fingers placed on Tobio’s knee. Even Oikawa-san’s fingers look graceful, and it’s almost laughable. 

Takeda-sensei is herding the other players from Karasuno off of the court. Takeda-sensei then comes and starts talking to Tobio, but he doesn’t  really listen.  He doesn’t  really want to, because Takeda-sensei isn’t Shouyou and Tobio  really wants to see Shouyou right now .

He tries to say something like that to Oikawa-san but his own voice sounds uneven. Tobio realizes that he hasn’t been breathing. 

He hears Sugawara-san ask, “Who’s Shouyou?” 

The same thing flashes in Oikawa’s eyes. Tobio is pretty sure that it’s pity because he’s hyperventilating and crying off the side of a volleyball court. 

“Shouyou can’t be here right now,” Oikawa-san says  softly . “But we’re here for you. Let’s try some square breathing, okay Tobio?”

Tobio feels like he’s  been electrocuted . Shouyou _isn’t_ here. Shouyou _can’t_ be here. _Shouyou isn’t real._

__

“Are you real?” Tobio asks the next time he sees Shouyou. 

Shouyou interlaces their fingers. “Can you feel this?” he asks. 

Tobio nods.

Shouyou runs his free hand through Tobio’s dark hair. “Could you feel that?”

Shouyou separates their hands. He places Tobio’s palm against his chest, right above his heart. Tobio can feel a soft thump in the other boy's chest. “I can feel that,” Tobio says.

Shouyou presses his lips against Tobio’s. 

_Oh_ , Tobio thinks. _This is what it feels like to kiss my favourite freckle._

__

16

Tobio is anxious.  Well, Tobio always feels a little bit anxious, a little bit uncomfortable (especially when Shouyou isn’t with him) .

Tobio wasn’t anxious like this when he went to his first training camp in Tokyo. Tobio wasn’t anxious like this when they played against Shiratorizawa. (The center court only riled up his passion for volleyball. That can overpower most other emotions.)

But, for some unknown reason, as Tobio boards a Tokyo bullet train alone, he feels very anxious. 

Maybe it’s because he’s never taken this particular train, the unfamiliarity was wearing down on him.  Maybe it’s because he was going to a nationally-ranked training camp, with people he doesn’t know. His teammates from Karasuno weren’t there with him either. None of Tanaka-san’s yelling or Sugawara-san’s kind smiles were anywhere near him. 

Maybe it’s because Shouyou isn’t there with him either. Shouyou never seems to be there with him anymore, whether Tobio needs him or not. 

Maybe his parents hushed whispers of _‘He’ll grow out of it with age’_ and _‘It’s a coping method’_ were right. 

Maybe the nasty words of _‘Shouyou isn’t real’_ repeated over and over in Tobio’s head were true. 

Maybe Shouyou isn’t real. 

_Ah, shit._ Tobio thinks, looking down at his fingers intertwined on his lap. _My hands are shaking._

Training camp was average, as average as a national intensive training camp can be. ‘Broccoli Number Two’ from the Fukurodani group training camp was there, which was nice. It wasn’t quite as nice as Shouyou’s presence, but the familiar face helped soothe his shaky hands.

Tobio meets lots of new people too, and it reminds him that Shouyou doesn’t like meeting new people. But Shouyou isn’t here, Shouyou is never here anymore. So, Tobio can meet all the new people he wants. 

Sakusa  is supposed to be a top-three ace. (Even if Tobio thinks that Bokuto-san could definitely kick his ass in a match.) His friend is a libero named Komori. Hoshiumi can jump  really high,  just like Shouyou. (But Shouyou isn’t here, so Tobio isn’t going to think about him.) 

Miya-san is the best high school setter in  all of Japan. He calls him ‘Tobio-kun’ and always smiles with his teeth. It makes Tobio feel weird. The only other people who call him ‘Tobio’ are Oikawa-san, Shouyou and his parents. It’s weird to hear his name coming from Miya-san and that’s the only way Tobio can describe it. 

On the fourth day of camp, Miya-san tells Tobio that he plays like a ‘little goody-two-shoes’. 

Tobio musters up his worst glare (usually reserved for the likes of Tsukishima) and seethes, “Say what ?” 

Miya-san sends him a nice toss the next day, one that Tobio can spike  easily . It’s nicer than Nishinoya-san’s sets, at least. Tobio decides to forgive Miya-san for calling him a goody-two-shoes. It was a  _ really _ good spike, after all. 

The final practice match ends and Miya-san  graciously offers to help Tobio stretch. Tobio accepts as Miya-san places his knee on the curve of Tobio’s spine. This feels weird too, everything about Miya-san is  just a little bit unsettling. Tobio swallows  thickly , reaching down between his legs. 

“Um, Miya-san,” he starts. “What did you mean when you called me a…”

“Goody-two-shoes?”

Tobio nods. 

Miya-san smiles but frowns a bit, a confused look. “ Literally that,” he says. “Someone who’s diligent. Honest and obedient.” 

He removes his knee from Tobio’s back and waves, walking away. 

Tobio feels _weird_. 

This weird feeling doesn’t go away. In fact, it only intensifies. It’s weird when Miya-san interrupts Tobio’s walk to the train station after camp ends. It’s weird when Miya-san takes him by the hand and leads him around to the back of the gymnasium. 

Weird when Miya-san presses his lips against Tobio’s. 

Tobio doesn’t know a lot about relationships, but he can assume that it’s not right to be kissing Miya-san. (When he’s already kissing Shouyou, too.)

Tobio feels weird _and_ violated now. And kind of guilty too. 

In Tobio’s sixteen years of life, expressing himself had always been a challenge. But he’s watched, he’s learned. His mother’s soft suggestion of _‘Use your words, Tobio.’_ echoes in his mind often. So, Tobio yells when he’s angry, whispers when he’s scared and keeps a flat voice when trying to be polite. 

Feeling weird and feeling uncomfortable is something Tobio has yet been able to express with his words . It’s shaking hands and butterflies in his stomach. It’s thick tears and weak muscles. 

But, Tobio’s body  is frozen . He can’t push or shove, he can’t cry or kick to express himself. He’s only got one option left, _‘Use your words, Tobio.’_

Tobio opens his mouth, forgetting about this lips pressed to his own. 

Miya-san shoves his tongue inside of Tobio’s mouth. 

It’s cold but it burns. 

Not like Shouyou’s kisses at all. 

_Shouyou isn’t here,_ Tobio recalls. _Shouyou isn’t even real._

_ Maybe I should try and enjoy this. Miya-san is  really good at volleyball, anyway. _

Tobio pushes back against Miya-san’s lips, his body finally choosing to obey him. It’s not as nice as kissing Shouyou’s freckle, but it’s refreshing in its own way. 

_I better not miss my train._ Tobio thinks, closing his eyes and placing his hands on Miya-san’s hips. (It’s not as enjoyable as holding Shouyou, but at least Tobio doesn’t feel hip bones through the cotton shirt. He usually can when he touches Shouyou like this.)

Tobio walks home alone after practice. It’s a routine for him, having a blissful twenty minutes to calm down after volleyball. It’s different from the hours he spends locked in his room, those usually feel dark smell like dust. In this time, Tobio can enjoy the sunset and think about the things he loves. (Which currently does not include Shouyou. Tobio won’t think about him right now.) 

“Kageyama!” someone calls out from behind him. 

Tobio lets his shoulders slump down in slight disappointment. 

“I wanted to ask you about training camp,” Suga-san says, falling in step with the younger setter. 

“How was it? Did you gather information on all our potential rivals?” Suga-san knocks his shoulder  lightly against Tobio’s. 

“No,” Tobio says, frowning at the ground. “Sorry.”

Suga-san smiles  apologetically . “Sorry, Kageyama. I wasn’t  really expecting you to do that.”

Tobio’s brow only creases more wondering, why would Sugawara-san lie?

“I kissed Miya-san,” Tobio offers, attempting to fill the silence.

Sugawara-san stops walking. Tobio stops too. Wondering if Sugawara-san had to part at the intersection, or if he was too shocked to move. (Like Tobio was when Miya-san kissed him.)  Maybe both.

Sugawara-san seems to recover  quickly , asking lots and lots more questions. “Miya Atsumu? Like, the best high school setter in Japan?” 

Tobio shrugs and nods  simultaneously . Was it that big of a deal? 

“Ah, that’s nice. Good for you, Kageyama.” 

Something in Sugawara-san’s voice sounds tense, strained. Was kissing Miya-san a bad decision? 

“I need to go down this road to reach the train station, sorry,” Sugawara-san says next. 

Tobio nods. “Goodnight, Sugawara-san.”

“Goodnight, Kageyama-kun.”

Tobio exhales  deeply , glad that he could have the second half of his walk to himself. It was greedy, but Tobio thinks that he deserves to be a little bit greedy. That is until he spots a flash of orange hair ducking behind a tree. 

“Shouyou?” 

Shouyou shuffles out from behind the tree  slowly , hands balled into tight fists at his sides. 

“Is there something wrong?” Tobio asks, ignoring his racing pulse. 

Shouyou tilts his head to the ground and whispers, “I thought you walked home from school alone. I was going to surprise you, I missed you while you were away.”

Tobio frowns. Is this why Shouyou was mad? Tobio walked home from school alone every other day of the year, so it wasn’t a lie. And, if it wasn’t a lie, why does Tobio feel like throwing up right now?

“I’m sorry?” the setter says. “Sugawara-san wanted to talk to me.”

Something shiny slides down Shouyou’s face. And another. More keep falling and Tobio realizes that Shouyou is _crying_. 

“What’s wrong?” Tobio asks. He can hear his own pulse in his ears. 

The orange-haired boy wipes  aggressively at his face. “I love you,” he says. “But you’re kissing other people?” 

Tobio swallows  thickly , scared that he might actually throw up. 

“You’re a monster, Tobio,” Shouyou snarls. The shorter boy lifts his head up and glares, the ‘Shouyou god-like demeanour’ glaring too. 

Tobio takes a step back. His hands shake. The words echo. 

_ Monster. Shouyou. Milk. Crazy. Fake. Words. Kiss. Monster. Freckle. Hands. Tobio. Real. Crazy. Monster. Pills. Monster. _

His eyes squeeze shut and he gets the weird feeling. Bubbling up from his stomach all the way to his throat. Tobio swallows more and more air, trying to get rid of the words that burn his throat. But still, they find a way to escape his lips. 

_“You’re not real!”_ he screams, loud enough to alarm the neighbours. _“You’re fake, Shouyou! Get out of my fucking head!”_

When Tobio opens his eyes, there’s nothing but an empty road. 

17

Tobio is kinda in pain. Well, he’s always kinda in pain (especially in the last year, since Shouyou left). Tobio is in pain when they lose a practice match. Tobio is in pain when his mom asks how his day went and he has to tell her that it was bad. Tobio is in pain when he stays awake all night, thinking about Shouyou and where he went. Tobio is in pain remembering that Shouyou was never real at all. 

Everything has smelled a little dusty and felt a little dark since Shouyou left.

At least volleyball soothes the ache in his heart. 

But, here’s the thing. Volleyball _usually_ doesn’t make Tobio in pain but today, it is. Tobio doesn’t quite understand what happened. Something about a practice match and receiving that setter dump. A chance ball turned into a quick attack from the other team. Somehow, the team’s ace spiked it right to his head. 

Now, Tobio’s head hurts. He thinks it might have  been smacked against the ground instead of the volleyball. Which is a shame, because Tobio’s always been a little bit in love with the sound of a volleyball hitting the ground. He wants to apologize for stopping that sound from happening. Tobio thinks it’s weird because he’s also always been a little bit in love with Shouyou, but he never apologized. 

So, Tobio tries to talk, but his tongue feels too heavy to speak, the words too thick. His eyes work fine though. He can see Yamaguchi herding all the first years off of the court. He can see Tsukishima and Ennoshita-san’s hands, gentle as they roll him onto his back. Tobio thinks that gentleness from Tsukishima is weird. He can hear too, catching small blurbs of _‘-ageyama-senpai?’_ and _‘Call an ambulance!’._

Tobio tries to sit up, leaning his weight onto his elbows. But, his elbows slip and his head almost hits the ground again. _Almost_. Tsukishima catches it, of course, in his  obnoxiously large hands. 

Tobio manages to turn his head to the side, about 51 degrees to the left. He looks at the volleyball and smiles. He kind of hopes that it would smile back. 

“Sorry,” Tobio whispers. 

The team is there when it happens the first time.  They all make an effort to visit him; everyone from Tanaka-san and Nishinoya-san to the handful of first years that Tobio doesn’t know the names of . They all crowd around in Tobio’s living room and ask him questions. _‘Are you okay? How severe was the injury? Will you be ready for nationals?’_

Yamaguchi hands him a lot of milk boxes. Tobio appreciates it because the thought milk in a cup makes him sick to his stomach, even if it doesn’t have pills in it. 

Tobio grabs the first one he sees, tearing the plastic away from the straw and puncturing the aluminum circle . He raises it up to his mouth to take a sip and drops the drink right onto the carpeted ground. 

_“Fuck,”_ Tobio hisses, glaring at his hand. 

His usually reliable hand. His well-kept setter hand. His 2.5:2 palm-to-finger ratio hand. His shaky hand. 

No one chastises him for the language, at least. 

_ “A tremor induced by the severe trauma to his head.” _

Tobio feels both of his hands start to shake. 

_ “Brain surgery would be necessary to have it  permanently taken care of.” _

Tobio stands up and leaves the room, ignoring his mom’s cries and the doctor’s apologies. 

“I’m sorry, Tobio,” his mom says. 

Tobio blinks. “This means that I can’t play volleyball anymore, doesn’t it?”

His mom sighs. “Is that game all you ever think about?”

“No,” Tobio says because he doesn’t lie. “ I think about Shouyou, too.”

His mom doesn’t reply. 

“I’m going for a walk,” Tobio says. 

Tobio walks to the park. The same park where he met Shouyou because he was feeling nostalgic and lonely. It’s somewhere that’s  been forbidden to Tobio since the last time he saw Shouyou. Everything about Shouyou has been taboo for the past year.

The cold January wind blows right through the thin hoodie Tobio wears. He shivers. Tobio doesn’t  really mind shivering because it gives the ‘tremor’ in his hand something to blend into. Still, Tobio won’t be able to leave his house for a _long_ time if becomes hypothermic. So, Tobio hops off of the swing and listens to it creak. 

Monkey bars. Monkey bars are fun and good to strengthen finger muscle. Flexing his fingers, Tobio approaches the dull yellow bars. Yellow like the peeling banana ice cream. Tobio hates that ice cream. Realizing the monkey bars are much too short for someone who’s nearing 183 centimetres. 

Tobio sighs. He wraps his right hand around the metal rod. It shakes  vigorously . It releases its hold on the monkey bar. 

Tobio closes his eyes. Tobio sobs. Tobio falls to his knees. Tobio swears and Tobio’s entire body shakes. 

_ ‘The only time I will ever feel despair is when I won’t be able to play volleyball anymore.' _

Tobio had told this to Tendou from Shiratorizawa, last year at the prefectural finals. 

Tobio feels despair. 

Tobio also feels a warm hand on his shoulder blade now, but Tobio is crazy. Tobio hallucinates. It’s  probably nothing. 

It’s  probably nothing when two arms wrap around his waist. Nothing when someone pulls him into their lap and mutters reassuring words of _‘I’m sorry, Tobio’._

Opening his eyes to see pale hands on his torso. Pale, like they rolled their arms in gravel and didn’t brush off the dust. 

Tobio doesn’t look. He doesn’t want to see who the one cradling him is. He’s scared. So, Tobio cries. He doesn’t blow his nose and he chokes on his tears. He sits there for a long time too.  He's flourishing in the gentle warmth from the fingers combing through his hair and drawing circles on his back . 

Hours have  probably passed by the time Tobio gathers up the courage to turn around. 

He blanches when he’s met with smiling pink lips and a brown freckle. 

“Tobio-” the lips say. 

“No,” Tobio interrupts. “You- you’re not real. You’re a delusion. This is  just my way of coping.”

Shouyou frowns. His lips  are tugged into a pout for half of a second before they’re pressing against Tobio’s. 

Tobio pushes him away. “No,” he rasps. 

Tobio tugs at his hair. He pushes at his temples. He blinks and rubs his eyes. He pinches his arm, pinches his leg, his ear, his neck. 

His head is swimming and all rationality was drowning. The water was warm and the floor of the pool was lava. Everything that sunk was burning, but Tobio couldn’t  be pushed under the water no matter how hard he tried. 

“Wake up,” Tobio hisses to himself. “ _Fucking-_ wake up Tobio, wake up.”

Tobio pushes himself off of the ground. His legs feel weak, but that gives him all the more reason to run. Feet pounding on the concrete sidewalk, Tobio closes his eyes and runs. 

_ If Shouyou was actually here- if he was real, Shouyou wouldn’t have let me run. Shouyou would have caught up. Please, Shouyou, catch up. Save me. Be real.  _

Tobio listens for footsteps following him, but the only thing he can hear is the beat of his own heart. Tobio can’t hear anything besides his irregular pulse, actually. Not the dogs barking and not the wind howling. Not the horn of the horn of the Honda Civic- a split second before it makes contact with his body. 

The funeral is a quiet ceremony, though larger than expected. 

Retired teammates from Karasuno, bygone teammates from Kitagawa Daiichi and distant family. All  warily grieving a boy they never  really knew.

Oikawa’s uncanny ability to manipulate emotions  is put to use. (Even Tsukishima hides his face in Kuroo’s shoulder by as Oikawa finishes his eulogy.)

Nishinoya and Tanaka are  purposefully silent, while Yachi shakes  violently with sobs. 

Both Miya twins attend, seeking closure that may never come.

“It was a terrible accident,” Osamu whispers to his brother. 

“No,” Atsumu says. “It wasn’t an accident. He stopped fighting.”

The priest conducting the ceremony asks if anyone would like to share any words. 

Only one person accepts the invitation of the open microphone. 

“Tobio...” pink lips and a freckle on the left side of a cupid’s bow freckle smile. “Tobio r eally hates drinking milk from a cup. It's ironic though, Tobio loves the taste of milk."

 

 


End file.
